I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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