last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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