Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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