You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
