Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
