actually, I'm a sock model
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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