Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
