my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
