In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
