sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
