literally had 100 drinks last night.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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