i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
