We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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