in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
