some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
