did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
