Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
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I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
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I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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