shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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