I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
