in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
