did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
