my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
