ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
