actually, I'm a sock model
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
