I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
