you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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