wake up i wanna do it froggy style
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
