You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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