dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
