Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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