We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
