her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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