Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
