Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
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I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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