After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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