apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
