me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
ugly people sure do ruin things
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
