Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
