she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
What a dumb baby whore.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize