he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
