That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You can't special order awesome
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
