So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
