she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
