Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
