btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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