i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
