just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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