I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
