I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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