I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
