I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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