Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You have to summon your inner elephant
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You are a genius and a whore.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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