so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
