***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
