his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
