i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
